With mental health discussion no longer seen as a ‘taboo’ subject for individuals, this month’s guest columnist lets us climb inside the mind of an anxious electrician.
Mental health. Even just reading those words can be enough to make some people feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding mental health is a major problem in opening up the conversation about the subject, and a true obstacle to helping sufferers from overcoming their issues.
In recent times, however, the conversation around mental health has opened up. More individuals are finding it easier to talk about their issues and slowly the stigma is falling away. Such a trend can only be positive, as talking to someone – whether family and friends or a professional – is the first step in helping yourself.
Mental health issues can affect anybody, it doesn’t discriminate. Importantly, it can strike without warning and at any time. Understanding this fact can go a long way in removing the stigma surrounding mental health.
The Anxious Engineer
“I’ll talk about anything and everything, I want to be fixed.”
What you’re about to read is a diary entry sent into PE by an electrical engineer. Written over the course of one day, the entry details the author’s struggle with anxiety, providing an insight into the mind of someone struggling with such issues:
DAY 1
I had a restless night’s sleep. I was in bed at 11pm; calm, relaxed and in control.
01:30 ‘Stumpy’ #2 is up and breaching the door… sub-consciously I can hear it all. My ‘Mrs’ hates that I will sleep through anything.
05:30 I’m up now; is that a poo I need or is that anxiety? Okay, a bit of both. Butterflies are on. In my head, in that deep dark box, locked away, right away, I am laughing at myself for allowing this to happen! Ironic.
Station run completed. Nursery run done.
06:30 We’re rocking.
I opened up to all of my family yesterday, received a pack lunch from my 71 year old mother today. She’s worried I’m not eating! Yeah I’ve had my moments of zero appetite and I know I’ve lost a lot of weight. It’s the depression and anxiety causing this, not me – I couldn’t diet if I was paid! Can I motivate myself to capitalise on being lighter and start running?
Ahh, the drive in to work… I’m not happy with work. I am happy at work but not happy with being unaware of my cause, unaware of my goals and basically feeling kept behind the locked door.
On the journey in I’m thinking about lots of random stuff, all ‘sight’ triggered. I am anxious of what awaits, I’m controlling my breathing trying to stop my face feeling tingly… still need a poo… or do I? It’s that physical feeling (if you’ve ever had the pleasure) you get when you know the school bully will definitely be waiting for you after school.
I love singing. I sing whilst driving, usually! It just makes me tear up, now. Totally messed up. Eight months ago a doctor told me my blood pressure was through the roof – how wrong he was.
It’s amazing how driving past a random brick wall, for instance, can make you recall getting kicked in the nether regions while tying your shoe lace with your leg on the wall some 26 years ago…why?! Who knows, honestly?! And then the thoughts that come from that…
10:45 Three poos in… Sorry not sorry.
Just thinking about the above has made the ‘tummy train’ go. I clear my mind of all thoughts and I’m just left with that feeling in my gut, like the world is about to end… impending doom. Honestly it can just do one! Well it will… just who knows when.
11:11 I receive a phone call from mental health charity, Mind. I know that I can be a bit of a joker at times, but this is something that is no laughing matter. As soon as I knew what was going on, I dealt with it. I couldn’t care less what anyone’s opinion is… I have zero to hide. I will talk about anything and everything, I want to be fixed.
In a few days’ time I get to talk to a senior therapist. This is good – I was told it would be ten months before Christmas. I can feel a layer of dread disappear, it is temporary, for a few minutes; I know I will win, I’m just unable to update the programme.
12.03 Turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich. Gone. I ate it, no problem. It’s sitting funny in there but it’s in there. Thanks Mum.
Am I selfish because I just want to deal with me? It’s taking so much energy just trying to control anxiety attacks that I’m not sure I can deal with everything at home as I used to. I feel like I’m ‘winging’ home life. It won’t be forever, just until this has gone.
13:36 I had a coffee! Eight months ago I stopped drinking caffeine; it’s really bad for high blood pressure, you know.
Does ‘she’ think I am a complete and utter idiot? I will sit here and run it through my head, kicking myself just that little bit more. Does it matter to me? Does my eldest get it? Does she even know? Is this going to affect her?
She saw the state I was in on Christmas day, I couldn’t cope. It’s just another day… but I think of my friends that died too young, all the rubbish in the world and I just cannot feel ‘Christmassy’. I’m the same on birthdays: ‘Who the hell am I to celebrate this, when X, Y and Z haven’t got that choice?’
I celebrated by sitting and staring at four walls for 18 hours trying to act normal whilst I burnt up and tried to remain ‘not light headed’. There’s no hiding any of it, it’s all there. I’d look at me and think ‘forget trying to talk to that angry bloke’.
In reality, that ‘look’ is the face of someone that knows what is going on (I do!), is in his mind fighting to find the cause, hasn’t got a single clue whatsoever of the cause, and feels like he permanently needs a poo. So it isn’t an angry face at all. Honestly, who on top of all of this decided to make your face look angry?
Picked the kids up from nursery, ‘surprise’! Tummy felt a bit better as I drove off down the road from work, but it was still there. Had a sing on the trip up, which was all good until Oasis comes on – boom! – have some of that fella (reminds me of somebody, what can you do, eh?) ‘Black Velvet’ is on now, that’s better. I’ll have a sing to that.
The A12. It’s really, really, really bad. I’m thinking about how if it were three lanes it would stay at 70 and we’d instantly have lower carbon emissions. Crazy. I picked the three-year old and one-year old up, intact. I glow like a tomato as I press the still broken doorbell (I’m no doorbell expert, but I actually feel like fixing it for free).
Myself and the three year-old talk constantly on the way home. I don’t want her falling asleep. Who knows what kids get up to at nursery nowadays, but I could walk her through the woods and valleys all day and she would still be bouncing off the walls at 9pm. She is amazing though, and if given the correct guidance and education I’m 100% assured she could be anything she wanted to be. At three she’s able to hold her own with an adult in a conversation, if not take control of that conversation and the unsuspecting adult. Queues are long, a 10 minute journey will take 40… I hate it. I used to love driving, now it’s just more time to think.
Eight months ago I left a doctor’s surgery thinking a stroke or heart attack was coming sooner rather than later. I altered my entire lifestyle to counteract this high blood pressure. Any sane human being would. So, I’ve had eight months of being ‘good’. Well done me. Perspective is fantastic.
We’re home now and I’ve burnt the oven chips, described as ‘rather dry’. I figured they usually come out looking pale yellow – wedges are rubbish (apparently) so these chips it is. I added another 10 minutes to counteract the pale yellow and think upon igniting these, they could potentially be a good wood burner alternative. They are hard-ish.
I’ve not said a word to my partner since she came in at 18:32.
To be honest I read back through this, it makes me feel more relaxed. I neglected her for a while, to sort me out. Now I feel more relaxed. Kids have a shower every night. Done.
21.01 I can sit down and not just think about me, but do things for me as well. No butterflies.
21.05. I think about others who may be out working still. The ‘there’s always someone worse off than me’ thought kicks in. I feel alright.
21.06. Putting the kids to bed has become ‘her’ task.
21.16. Butterflies start again, obviously can’t switch it off. One of my kids asked what was in the bag that I was holding – it’s full of Christmas chocolate – so I told her ‘not a lot’. She knows it’s got chocolates in it. Great, now the three-year old knows I didn’t quite tell her the truth.
21:40 Two bags of beef Hula Hoops seen off.
22:11 Just loading a game and I feel chilled. No butterflies but a tiny amount of doomy doubt feeling is lurking.
22:49. She is reading her kindle. It’s windy outside, gusty. I love it, nature and the outdoors. It’s actually raining and the gusts are blowing the rain against the wall. Or is it the window? It doesn’t sound like the window; anyway you’re only hearing the rain because of the gusts. She exhales. I hope it made her feel relaxed.
I’m in bed now, the Xbox is off.
MENTAL HEALTH – DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE
If you’re suffering from anxiety, depression or any mental health issue, it’s recommended that you seek help and support. You can contact Mind, the mental health charity, on: 0300 123 3393 or by text to: 86463. Alternatively, our own Electrical Industries Charity can be contacted on: 0800 652 1618 or you can email: contact@electricalcharity.org
